The Cure To An Identity Crisis

Without the love of Christ, devotion, and most importantly obedience and knowledge of his word I was in an impossible situation that had no happy ending. In order to receive the full healing in the deepest parts of my soul I would need to bring every aspect of my life into the submission and will of God. What I so desperately needed along with every other hurting person was a spiritual overhauling that included casting off and turning away from my flesh and putting on my new identity that absolutely had to be rooted in the Christ. From that foundation miraculous healing could absolutely occur, along with a daily dependence upon my Creator, walking out my salvation, I could be made new.
Without any of the knowledge and soul reformation I now have today, I became dependent on the things of this world to fill the void that could only ever be filled with Christ. Without a firm identity in the one who made me I was a child lost in a losing battle I didn’t have a chance at winning. I was immersed in Spiritual warfare I was sorely surely underprepared to fight. So I used the only tools I knew how to cope with.
I chose these weapons because of the culture I grew up in. It was totally normal thing to drink heavily and do drugs recreationally. It was completely normal to lash out and hurt people. I believed upon watching those around me that it was expected to use people to make myself feel better and only care about myself.
This was the kind of environment I grew up watching and learning. Children see everything. They learn how to live and cope by the example set by their parents and community. That’s why it is of upmost importance to set your house in order and bring it under the will of God before bringing any child into your home. Children grow up and they become responsible for themselves. My parents are not responsible for the sins I’ve committed as an adult. I do not blame them for my mistakes and my pain. I know now they didn’t know what they didn’t know. My dad died in chains to his addiction and without the full understanding and revelation of the love of God in his life. He believed in God, but he never walked out the salvation of his soul. I pray that he received it before he met the one who created him. He died a very hurting and broken man and I know he wanted better for me. I can happily say that his prayer has absolutely been answered, because of the work my parents tried to begin in themselves through their love and examples I was pushed into the arms of Christ and He has broken the cycle the enemy tried to trap me in.
I grew up in a very chaotic environment. My childhood at times seemed like one big party. It was totally normal to drink and party every time family came around. It was normal to soothe momentary issues with drugs and alcohol. This was my understanding from watching the adults in my life. Family time and visits with extended family members and friends were low-key drinking events that usually got crazy late into the night. As a teenager most of my extended family and my sisters gave me alcohol to drink. It was all very normal to me as a kid. I really didn’t see any issue with it. Mainly, because I didn’t know any better and neither did anyone else.

As a child and a preteen I was neglected emotionally. Nobody poured into me and if someone did they were as broken as I was. I wasn’t fed or decipled well. My mom wasn’t around and my dad distanced himself from me emotionally. I had no boundaries of any sort. My mom tried to late to put her foot down and parent me. I was about 13 when she really started to realize how damaged I was. She was terrified of me turning out like her and my dad. She constantly told me that I had to beat the cycle of addiction.

She was out of state most of my preteen and early teenage years. My stepfather had no clue how to manage three teenage girls. We ran wild. My mom could only set so many rules over the phone. There was no one to control me. Most of my acting out was a cry for attention and help. She didn’t respond till I was 15. When she did, her answer was to leave my stepfather and move me out of state and tear me away from every comfort I had ever known. She still did not know how to mother me. She met my emotional trauma with anger. She refused to have compassion and mercy for me because she had finally gotten her act together so in her mind my behavior was all my doing and I needed to get over it and move on like she had.
I now understand my mother only knew how to use the tools she had been taught to use. That her solutions to life had been passed down to her from her broken support system. Most of her actions were rooted in fear and she absolutely did the best she could and she is not to blame for my actions. We are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies. We live in a fallen world where the prince of lies reigns in the hearts of men who don’t know who they belong to.
After moving to Texas I met a guy. He paid attention to me and I ate it up, because at this point I felt like I had no value. I wasn’t worthy of attention and love, because my own parents had rejected and neglected me. I treated those internal wounds with boys, cutting, drinking and drugs. Growing up in the environment I did, it was all I knew how to do. I hadn’t ever been shown any different. At 16 my dad died. I broke completely. Out of both my parents his love was the only thing I was certain of. My mom was incapable of nurturing me in that time period of my life. I know now, it wasn’t because she didn’t want to, but she didn’t know how. Nobody had loved her well. She didn’t have Jesus, what could she have provided for that broken and angry teenage girl? She responded with anger and fear. Three months after his death she essentially told me to get my crap together and get over it. Again, she was terrified of me turning into her. My aunt died and then my grandfather and then my best friend. I had no one. My sister cut me out, because she had her own hurdles to deal with. I was bleeding out and my soul was desperate and aching. I used anything I could to soothe my pain.
My mom put me in treatment for the first time at 17. I found a place I finally felt like I belonged. People accepted me. I finally had a place to lay my heart. People built me up. I had a family and community. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without AA. For once in my life I belonged somewhere. I had no identity. I was a troubled young girl without the love of Christ. AA gave me an identity and it became my life. AA became my religion and gave me purpose. I was no longer the broken and abandoned child I once was. I was a recovering addict with a powerful story that I could use to help people. Without AA I felt like I had nothing. AA led me to God. I believed it was built upon spiritual principles. It echoed the bible in so many ways. Yet, after three years of sobriety I relapsed. The problem was while AA is a spiritual program it isn’t biblical. It is not Christ based and it couldn’t give me the healing and freedom I truly needed. What I needed was Jesus and to be firmly planted in the word and learn my identity through Him. I spent years treating the symptoms, not the actual root problem which was I was a human being in desperate need of a relationship with Christ. I tried everything to fill the void that could only ever be filled with my creator. For me, AA is apart of that list. I had a huge problem with using the things of this word to label me and give me value. I had to have a God and it could have been anybody. Drugs, alcohol, sponsors, men, etc. I was searching for an identity. Whatever seems better in the moment worked for me.
The problem with a man made program for me was that I needed to be planted in something irrefutable and undeniable. My identity absolutely had to be grounded in Christ. The world labeled me a broken person and it started with my environment. Satan has used countless lies to keep me in chains.

I am unloved.
I am not worthy.
I am a mistake.
I am nothing.
I can do nothing.
No one cares about me.
My friends don’t really care about me.
I am ugly.
I am crazy.
I need a man to feel beautiful.
I can’t be alone.
If I am alone then I will always be alone.
I will turn out just like my parents.
I am a whore.
I am a horrible mother.
I am a bad wife.
I am a bad friend.
I am an addict.
I am an alcoholic.
I am unfixable.
There is no cure.
I am a new creation in all things, but that.
Jesus has the ability to make me new and heal me completely but not that part of me.

I spent the most formidable and impressionable time of my life being raised by people who didn’t know the love of God. I am so thankful for the path I walked, because the lie the enemy has used for so long to keep me in chains and to harm me God turned and used it for good. The enemy pushed me right into the arms of my Creator.

I put on the cloak of an unhealable alcoholic, because I didn’t know any better or any different. I didn’t understand the true meaning of what being made new really was.

As a Christian I am a new creation. I have been given the Holy Spirit. JESUS DIED SO THAT I COULD LIVE. Jesus freed me from slavery and the ways of this fallen world. I am not an alcoholic. I am not an addict. I am Kaleigh Posey and I am a child of God. The only person that has the ability to put chains around my wrist is myself when I fail to do the good I know to do. Not alcoholism. Not addiction. I have been freed. God has been showing me this all along. I am the one that keeps putting myself in chains. He gives me a revelation of His freedom and I turn away from it, because I still truly had not accepted the truth and the power of just how BIG of God He is. My father the one who created the heavens and the earth, the one who created me if he doesn’t have the ability to heal and cure someone like me, then I am limiting Him and putting him in a box.

I was taught that as an addict I have a spiritual malady that can only be cured with a spiritual solution and I am sick in the mind as well as the body. The mind can be fixed, but as soon as I take the first drink or the first drug there is no return. I am off to the races and my mind will be broken again and the only answer to that is working the 12 steps. Does that sound like being made new?
Does that sound like the miraculous healing of Christ?

God gave me a revelation about 9 months ago that AA wasn’t the Spiritual program I thought it was. It had led me to put my faith in a man made thing. I stood for something that told people they could believe in any God to find freedom and that was enough to make a beginning.

That is not the truth. The only beginning is through Jesus. The only path to true freedom is through a relationship with Christ. There is no backdoor to God. The road is narrow and the only way to the Father is through the Son. Upon that foundation is where one can begin to build a sturdy house. About 4 months ago, God gave me a revelation that I wasn’t a recovered alcoholic or an addict. I was a daughter of His Kingdom. I rejected it. I didn’t truly believe that God was big enough to heal me. I was terrified of taking my relationship with God deeper because that meant that I would no longer have control over my life. My flesh wanted the throne of my heart. The enemy attacked me and I failed to do the good I knew to do. I spiraled. I put the enemy’s chains back on my wrist and I relapsed within a week of that revelation. I had just gotten a year sober. Within a few days I realized the stupidity of my mistake and I immediately recoiled from it. I was ashamed and was afraid to be honest about my failure. I thought I could resume life as normal. I immediately began trying to go deeper with God and I would reach out to connect and he was speaking to me every where, but there was no depth. I had built a prison around my soul because I failed to bring my mistake into the light. I was lying to my husband. About a month afterwards I sat outside and I confessed to him. He was amazed. This was the first time I came out on my own. He didn’t find out, I had quit within three days and told him on my own, and not because my life had become so miserable I couldn’t bare it, but because I wanted to go deeper with the Spirit, but I couldn’t because I was lying to my husband. My heart, marriage, and home was not in shalom. Not in order. Once I got honest with my husband I was immediately relieved and everything went back to the way it was.
That was my first inkling that something was different.

I told my husband and I told my pastors. I told my sisters.
Months ago God gave me a purpose and a vision. I started this blog. God gave me a voice and talent for writing. He wanted me to use it for glory.

I was afraid to be honest on this platform and with my community. I thought if I told everyone about my relapse that they would doubt the power of God. How completely self-centered. Another lie the enemy used to keep me in chains. I half way brought everything into the light, but really failed to voice what God was truly doing in my life, which is the whole reason I had began this journey to begin with.

A few months later I relapsed again. On the fourth of July.
The night before I was sitting outside again with my husband and we had just received a revelation of how the enemy uses lies and labels to keep us in chains. The very next day I woke in a very dark and angry place made a decision to relapse.

Later that night I was horrified. I immediately turned away from it and planned to get honest about it as soon I could work it out in my own mind.

God had other plans. I would have immediately trapped myself off from the Spirit again due to shame and fear. I woke up the next day a bit disturbed, but ultimately at peace.

My husband and I had plans to watch Stanger things, but the Spirit laid something heavy on his heart he couldn’t shake. That heaviness was me and he just didn’t know it, but after some prayer he questioned me. He thought he was going insane, but couldn’t deny the Spirit telling him that I was not being honest about something.

I was terrified, but I thought about the time I spent wallowing in fear and shame back in April and I told him the truth.

The truth was I had relapsed and the crazy thing was I didn’t feel the burning urge to go out and do it again. I reflected back to all the times I had been in that very position of painful honesty and I couldn’t think of a time accept back in April when I wasn’t crawling out of my skin to go get drunk or high. I was at peace. I could not shake the absolute presence of the Holy Spirit in my heart.

Then the most wonderful feeling of absolute freedom floated through my whole being and I finally saw the big picture that God had been painting all along that I had been failing to see. I was and am free.

I don’t want to go out and get a drink. I don’t want to solve my issues with substances. I want to go deeper and deeper with my Creator. I want to be a wife and a mother and I want to use my voice, my story, and my mistakes to show the Glory and wonderful mercy of God in my life. I want to shine a light on every dark corner of my being and I don’t want a single thing in my heart that doesn’t line up with the will of God.

I am FREE. There is absolutely nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ.

Again, what the enemy used to harm me, God used for my good.

I am not a victim.
I am not an addict.
I am a daughter of the King
And his name is Yahweh.

I am not addicted to anything. I am not an addict. That is an absolute lie used by the enemy to keep me in chains and label which I thought I had found my freedom and my community. I am Kaleigh a wife, a mother, a daughter, sister, friend, but more than anything else I am a daughter of God and this is what true freedom in Christ can mean. It means finding your identity rooted in the one who made you. You are His just as I am. Don’t limit his ability and his power in your life. God gave us the Spirit, which gives us the Spirit of self-control and the power over sin in our lives, but only if we are truly and intently living a righteous life for him will that true freedom be found. If you haven’t been given that revelation and your identity isn’t rooted in Christ then your easy pray for the enemy and of course you will use things outside of yourself to fill you up and give you purpose. Doesn’t really matter what lie or label the enemy is using:
Anger
Porn
Drugs
Sex
Alcohol
Greed
Power

There’s many in this world that we live in. Sometimes people have many different struggles all at once, but I’m here to tell you that living a life fully for Jesus can give you power over them and it is a daily thing and it doesn’t happen over night. I’ve been on a long journey of God ripping open my layers of protection and revealing my flesh and weaknesses.
But for the first time in my entire life, I am absolutely certain of one thing that I never thought was possible that God absolutely has the ability heal our souls, but we’ve got to want it because of our love for him and not anything else.
God heals from the inside out and when he breaks chains they are broken for good.

Failing to do the Good We Ought To Do

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There’s an old saying that goes, If we’re not growing we’re dying. Walking with the Spirit is intended to be a daily thing that must continue to go deeper. I’ve got a lot of experience with moving forward in my Christian walk and then growing complacent, then stalling out, and then I look around me and I’m suddenly immersed in old habits, clinging to dead things.

This path I’ve chosen to walk only goes one direction and there’s absolutely only one way to walk it out. I must continuously stay in the word and connect with the Spirit. I must follow His commands and obey his word. I can say all day how great my faith is, but if I’m not actually living out what The Word says to do, then what do I have? Nothing.

There’s a line in the big book of AA that says half-measures availed us nothing. This is true for the Christian way of life as well. If I’m only half-heartedly attempting to connect with God then I’m sure to be met with silence. Don’t get me wrong, God absolutely meets us where we are at. He is always present in our lives, but when I’m failing at staying true to my own commitment to Him I’m handicapping myself. He can hear me at all times, but when my head is filled with worldly things and I’m committing actions that aren’t righteous those thoughts are louder than His voice. I’m literally walking away from Him instead of toward him. The fault is my own. So when you’re sitting there wondering where He is, frustrated with your circumstances, don’t doubt Him, look at yourself.

Even in the worst experiences life can throw at us, we have no excuse to become stagnant. Read through the book of Job. In fact in the midst of the storm, we have many reasons to press forward and rely on the strength of God to see us through it. One of my favorite quotes is, when life becomes too hard to stand, kneel. We must trust that God is good no matter the season. Let him transform your pain into something beautiful. Your pain is a tool that can be harnessed to combat the enemy, not only in your own life, but somebody else’s. God will use what was meant to harm you to strengthen you, to help you, to raise you up and mold you into a warrior. He’s done it for me. Not that long ago I was a troubled and angry girl. I was doing awful and shady things. I had experienced tragic loss and endured what was to me great consequences. In my mind I was the furthest thing from a Christian woman, now I would shout about the mercy of God from the rooftops if I knew it would help someone. His love is life-changing.

I cried out to God in my anguish and he answered me. He met me in my pain and healed me, but only because to the best of my knowledge I obeyed his Word.

But!

When I fail to do so and don’t do the good I ought to do I can’t grow. I shut myself off from the sunlight of the Spirit. It’s a matter of time before old wounds start resurfacing.

The good I ought to do? What does that mean? It looks a little different for each person depending on where they are in their walk of life.

I can only speak for me, because this is the path I’m on. I’ve experienced these revelations through my own trial and error.

The good I ought to do for me is simple, but first:

For each and every one of us we are commanded to all obey the Word and live a righteous life. We are absolutely supposed to uphold the law written in the bible, but we are saved through grace, meaning we are accredited righteousness through faith in Jesus Christ. Meaning, yes, while I’ve sinned, Jesus’s sacrifice covers my sin, when God looks at me he sees me as righteous and holy. That does NOT mean the law does not matter. We are still called to uphold it, but without the power of the Spirit we absolutely cannot.

We must uphold the law, because we are still called to do good works, not to achieve salvation, because we are gifted it through faith, but because we have salvation.

If we are not committed to the the our good works, how can we say we have faith? Our faith is shown by our good works! Faith without works is dead. Faith is an action. Think of the story of Abraham.

The law was meant for good. The law was setup to save us from ourselves after sin entered the world. The law is just and perfect, because God is just and perfect. We are not, we once were. We were created in God’s very own image, but when we disobeyed him we fell from grace. The law was meant to bring us back into right standing, but because sin is in the world as we are in the world we failed it’s purpose. So God gave us an amazing gift. The Holy Spirit.

When Jesus died for us, we were then given the gift of the Spirit who resides in us. He sets us apart. He makes us holy and righteous, no longer a slave to sin. The power of sin in our lives is defeated, but ONLY if we live in a daily dependency upon our Creator.

Why wouldn’t we want too? Why wouldn’t you want to have an ever growing relationship with your creator?

When we fail to do so, sin sneaks back in. I say sneaks, because the enemy is crafty. He’s the ultimate trickster. He lies and deceives us and turns us away from the truth, but that can only happen if we don’t arm ourselves with the truth. How do we do that? Obey the word. If you don’t know it, how can you do it?

Sometimes we know the word, and then choose to not follow it and that’s how the enemy gets a foothold in our lives. Stealing, killing, and destroying everything he can, but only because we’ve left the door open for him to come in.

The good I ought to do is simple and not easy.

As a follower of Christ, I must obey the Word.

As a wife, I must submit and love my husband.

As a mother, I must raise my children up in righteousness.

As a daughter, I must respect my parents.

As a friend, I’m called to be loyal, honest, and giving.

As a citizen, I must obey the laws in my country, state, and town.

As a good neighbor, I must be helpful, loving, kind, and giving.

As an example to other believers, I must do all of those things and more.

Each of those areas are way more in depth than I’ve written, but to save time I’ve kept it simple.

When I fail to do any of these things I’ve listed I’m failing to do what I ought to do, meaning I’m a sitting duck for the enemy and I’ve absolutely allowed this to happen.

Then down the rabbit hole I go. Depression, anxiety, fear, control, anger, indulgence, and all kinds of different multitudes of sin have free reign in my life.

God provides a foolproof way to save us from ourselves and the answer lies within the pages of our bibles. You want to change your life? Read it. You want to be “right” with God? Obey it.

It is that simple. I speak of years of experience in the rabbit hole. I’ve found a way that truly works and that has saved and transformed my life. My way got me at the bottom of a bottle, staring into a pool, thinking it would be totally fine to just jump in and drown myself while my husband was looking on and my child sleeping peacefully inside.

I’m not sure where your way got you. It could be worse, or it could be better, but it’s nothing compared to living in true freedom with Christ. I can absolutely promise you that. So if you haven’t opened your bible today and intimately connected with Christ, you should do so.

I can only speak of these things, because I’ve lived out these experiences. All of this was absolutely learned the hard way♡♡ It doesn’t have to be learned in the way I had to learn it. I’ve lost friends, time, lengths of sobriety, and many opportunities as consequences for my stubbornness and foolish and selfish choices. Yes, obeying the word is a sacrifice. Yes, we must die to our flesh and it’s painful. Yes, for lack of a better word sometimes it just sucks to choose righteousness over flesh, but it’s nothing compared to the Joy that’s coming and the joy it can bring to your present life now. How free do you want to be? Then do the good you know you ought to do.

Recovered Alcoholic to Daughter of the Kingdom

I suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction for over a decade. It really didn’t get absolutely terrible until I turned 19. I really didn’t even identify as someone having a problem till I was 17. I just thought, I did it because it made me feel better. The first time I got blackout drunk was when I was 16. My dad had died the year before, and instead of grieving I used substances to cope. I would get so drunk that I would black out, and then I could deal with it, or so my friends told me. That I was an uncontrollable, crying mess. My bestfriend died when I was 18 and I thought it was my fault, because I had ended our relationship. A few months later he passed away due to an accident from using drugs and alcohol. I blamed myself for a very long time. I would get drunk and cry about my loved ones and feel sorry for myself. It was an awful cycle that repeated itself over and over again.

As a teenager it was all fun and games until it wasn’t. I was about 17 when I first realized I might have an issue. I don’t remember much of the night. I don’t even remember what I was doing. I snuck out all of the time as a kid, because my mom pretty much grounded me from the time I was 16 until they finally kicked me out. I don’t even remember if I was coming or going, I just remember asking myself. Why am I doing this? It’s not even fun anymore. The scary thing was, it didn’t even phase me.

One night my mom checked my room and I was gone of course. She called me and told me to come home. When I got there, they just looked at me so perplexed, and asked me, “Why are you doing this?”

I didn’t know. I couldn’t answer them. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop and it terrified me. My mom put me in treatment for the first time at 17. It was good. I finally started to feel better. I got to talk out my sad story and we looked at alot of root issues. I had my trigger list. I knew my REBT coping tool. I had some really nasty side affects from coming off all the stimulants I had been using, and quite a few from the mood stabilizers, but despite all of that, I was finally feeling better. I felt like I could stay healthy and sober. I remember thinking honestly to myself on the last week I was there, that I didn’t want to do drugs or drink. I wanted to stay sober. I was thrilled at the prospect, but I was so afraid. I had been in a safety net for over 80 days. What would going home be like for me?

Without even a second hesitation I snuck out the very first night and my friend scooped me up. I was drunk within hours of returning home. I was amazed and didn’t understand how I went from being totally wanting to be sober, to drunk in a matter of hours. My mom had enough. She kicked me out. I was staying with a much older man, until he finally had enough of my escapades. The night he kicked me out was totally demoralizing. A few weeks later I checked myself into rehab. From the time I was 16-19 I went to 4 different rehabs and several outpatient programs. At 20 I went to a sober living home. Then I was kicked out and then accepted back in.

Through all of that, I still couldn’t stay sober. When I finally decided that I needed to do what I wanted, which unfortunately was do drugs until I wanted to be done, not because everyone else wanted me to stop. You can’t get sober for anyone, but yourself. Not for your job or for your kids. Not your spouse. If you are the real deal alcoholic or addict, then nothing but a spiritual solution to a spiritual malady will get you sober.

After some harrowing experiences and some real deep soul searching. I finally came to the end of myself. All those treatment facilities and programs isn’t where it clicked for me. I got sober on someone’s couch and the crazy thing was I managed to stay sober for sometime after that. I followed direction. I worked the 12 steps. I got honest and I did whatever I could to stay sober. I was willing to do whatever it took.

I’m not knocking rehabs or anything of the sort. It just wasn’t what helped me get sober and stay sober. Really, the sobriety of any individual isn’t a building or treatment plan. It’s the person willing to do the work. Regardless, I’m thankful for each and every person from those places that tried to help me.

Sobriety was awesome. Working the steps was awful and hard at first. I was like this little kid learning how to ride a bike without handlebars. There was so much emotional work I had to do. It really sucked, but about 6 months in it really began to change my heart and life. I fell in love with life and the people around me. I loved going to my meetings. I loved helping other girls. I finally found something I rocked at that was good for me. More than anything, I fell in love with Jesus.

One of the conditions of me living with the family that took me in off the streets was that I had to go to church every Sunday. I believed in God and I really liked what I saw in my sponsor, but I had a lot of resentment and shame when it came to God. Working the 12 steps really enabled me to start building that relationship with God. The cool thing about the 12 steps, was that I could make God more approachable in my mind. I could throw out those old conceived notions of an angry and mean God and I just pictured an old wise man. Someone that I wasn’t afraid to talk too. I began to read the bible and the more I went to church the more I began to really fall head over heels for Jesus.

Surrounded by people who cared about me and loved me, I flourished. I’m so thankful for that family that took my brokenness and showed me how to live and love Jesus with whole my heart. If it wasn’t for them, I dont know where I would be today. I’d probably be dead.

I stayed sober for nearly three years, but relapsed just shy of picking up my 3 year chip. I stopped working my program. I’d like to say I got complacent, but looking back I had made an error very early in. I was a very codependent person. I had experienced so much loss and abandonment in my life I didn’t feel like I was worthy of love unless I had someone to fill the gaping whole inside of me. Instead of turning to God having him tell me my identity, I had other people in my life fill that gap. Men and my friends. Obviously, that did not work. I got married quickly and had a baby. I stopped praying and seeking God and soon I found myself worse off spiritually then I had ever been.

I contemplated suicide. Tried a few times. I was a mess. It was awful. I don’t think I had ever been in such a dark place before. Once you taste the sunlight of the Spirit and choose to walk away from it, it does really crazy things to your mind.

I spiraled for quite sometime. My husband was a God send. He chose to love me and fight for me every step of the way. He truly showed me what mercy and grace was. He never gave up on me. Not once. There are memories and years I’ll never get back and that breaks my heart. More than anything, I deeply regret all of the trouble and pain I caused my family.

I’m now going to tell you a story inside of my story of how God met me where I was and pulled me out of my self-made pit.

One evening I sat outside and my soul cried out to God. I wanted to stop I didn’t know how. I tried so many different ways. I knew the answer. I knew I needed to have a spiritual overhauling. I didn’t just need to be connected to God, I needed to want to be connected God. I began writing.
It started out about my step child and then morphed into my anger towards God and then ended with me asking him to rescue me. To reach down and throw me a rope so that I could climb out of this pit I had led myself into. I asked plainly, I prayed and asked him to be so completely obvious to me. I wanted a relationship with him.

Do you know that I trusted you?
I trusted you to take care of us.
I know that it’s our own freewill that allows us to encounter the pain that we do.
I know also that it’s the sin and evil that is in the world
But I trusted you.
I grew up believing in all that good that you did, I grew up literally feeling the love you had for us.
I grew up knowing no matter the pain and the hurt we endured, I grew up believing that you would always be there.
YOU HAVE been,
but I came to believe that, somehow foolish me, that you saw me. You saw me in my pain and You rescued me. I trusted you. Life is life, but after all I had been through, I thought somehow foolish me, that I had lost enough. That I had failed enough. Yet, when I finally met you, that was the best experience I had ever gone through. I grew so much. I was thrilled. Life finally felt like an adventure instead of a prison. I was excited. You were driving, I let you. I always got us lost, I always made the wrong turns, you led me to freedom. It was truly amazing. I finally felt all the mercy and grace I knew you had for me. I saw myself the way you saw me. No not all of the time, I’m not perfect, That’s why I have you. I had the time of my life with you in the driver’s seat. Yet, one day I stopped calling, I took the lead, I stopped seeking your truth in my life. I stopped caring if people saw you in me. I stopped caring if I was hurting them and hurting you, and hurting me. I started making decisions for myself, but not very good ones. I started free falling. I’d catch myself by pure luck most of the time, but still I couldn’t commit for very long. I’d sit, I’d pause, I’d talk and you would listen. Peace would reach me, but before you even had chance to really work in my life, in my heart, I’d fall again. I’m not very good at this. At relationships. I ball myself up and remain so closed off. It was better this way, I thought, after all that loss. I had had enough I thought.
When she got sick, I knew. I knew when they told us, I knew. This was a familiar pattern, but rememer, I trusted you, why? I’m asking why, even though I shouldn’t. That’s your business. Their business, I didn’t have a place to ask. I didn’t have a place to fit in that hand I was dealt, but I really did chose it. See all that, it could have been something, had I not stopped seeing you. I remained hopeful and faithful you would come in and save the day. I truly did. I was ready, for your miracle. I know there was one, there’s a miracle somewhere that isn’t about me, but about you, but I wanted that miracle for me, for them, for her. I wanted that miracle most of all for me though, because I’m so utterly selfish, because I trusted you, but I realize now that I really didn’t. I really haven’t. Or I’d be fully committed. I wouldn’t stop calling, I’d be there everytime I could, but I haven’t and I’m hurting. I miss you. I miss them. I miss who I was, who I wanted to be, who I could have been. Will you help me, get back to that, but most of all move forward. You will you take me on that journey again? I want you in the driver’s seat. I’m lost. I’m broken. I don’t want to bring my brokenness on them. I want it gone. I want that freedom. Will you show me how? I’m gonna be honest I’m out of ideas. I don’t want this life. This life I created, this prison I made it. Will you set me free? I know you did. 2000 years ago. You gave us Jesus. We couldn’t do it, you knew it, you gave us love, in the form of your son. You gave us a helper in the form of a spirit, all parts of you, but will you help me embrace it? I’m so selfish so broken so needy, so desperate. I am weak. You are strong, so will you help me? Please answer this time. Help me, help myself. Deliver me, help me, give me the eyes to see you at work, give me the ears to hear you at work. Help me turn my back on the darkness. Shine a light in my life. Because we need it. We so very need it. I’m asking you if you can come back? Will you receive me with joy? Will you forgive me for the hurt? For the destruction I caused? Will you help me say I’m sorry to those who need to hear it. Will you lead me?

Only two days later. My husband meets me in the bathroom he had found a tiny little speck of marajuana. What are the odds? I had been so careful of hiding all evidence of my deciet. I immediately fell into my old habits of shame and guilt. I was ready to leave and walk away from my family. They deserved better. Then as my husband turned to leave me alone in my despair. I heard God so clearly. This is what you asked me for. I have thrown you a rope and I have made it obvious. Had my husband not found that tiny little speck of weed, who knows what would have happened. I was on the verge of no return. I shared my experience with him. We had a long discussion and he gave me some advice and asked me too look at my wounds. Why did I keep turning back to my addiction? The very next morning I began a devotional I had started in the middle of my relapse, but hadn’t really begun it. The devotional was literally about how Satan will use our pain and weakness to cripple us and keep us in slavery. And the first bible verse was 1 peter 5:8, Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. God was speaking so clearly to me. A few days later, I was looking through my old writings. Things I had written as a teenager. As I was reading them I began to cry. My parents were both addicts. I felt so alone and abandoned by them. Over and over again, I wrote and wondered why I was not good enough for them, why did they choose their addiction over me? I had taken their faults and labeled myself as unworthy because of it. That followed me into adulthood. I thought I had worked through it and that I had gotten over it. I had parshely. I had indeed forgiven them, but I still identified myself as shameful and dirty. Those labels that I held onto fiercely was killing me. God spoke to me then, living water fell over me and engulfed me in healing. I again heard him so clearly. He said, you are mine. I made you, you are loved and wanted. You are my child. You are not an orphan. Satan used my addiction to keep me in bondage and slavery. My addiction is my thorn (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). My addiction is my dislocated hip (Genesis 32: 22-32). My addiction is not my end, but my beginning. It is a gift from God, to keep me weak, so that I will always turn to my God for strength. He knew me so well, he knew without it, that I would not turn to him, because I’m so prideful. This was a revelation that he gave me over the course of a few days. Each time it was so obvious to me what he was telling me, and each day it was my prayer being answered again and again. I keep praying and keep seeking him. Every day, I must call out to him. My plight is a beautiful gift in disguise. I am so very blessed. I am not cured, to remain free I must turn to Jesus, my redeemer. My goal is not to remain sober, but to continuously seek God and go deeper in my relationship with him. My addiction is a symptom of being Self-reliant instead of God-reliant. Satan is waiting in the shadows, but my God is my protector, with him I cannot fail.

God really began to work wonders of miracles and healing in my life.

Some of which I’ve already posted before, but the miracle I want to tell you about now is how God has transformed me from an Alcoholic into a fully healed and redeemed daughter of His Kingdom.

My husband and I began a marriage class given by the pastor of my new church and his wife.

As we poured over the word, I truly began to learn about who God is, what Jesus dying on the cross has done for us. The first thing I learned is that inside of every believer is two parts. Our flesh is our, guaranteed since Adam and Eve, sinful nature. The other is our soul. The part that God created. The spirit that lives inside of us is God. Our soul and our flesh are constantly at war. The helper, the spirit, given to us by Jesus is what leads us and helps us overcome our flesh. The only way we can overcome our own sin, is by knowing and loving Jesus. We actually don’t have the power over our own sin, the spirit is what helps us conquer our sin. The only true way to do that is by living out the word and having faith in Jesus. Living righteously. Which is a daily thing. Daily prayer and meditation. Daily repentance. Daily doing good and feeding your soul with the word of God.

The cool thing was, the more I learned the more I realized I was kind of already doing all of that through my 12 step program. I did daily prayer and meditation. I did daily repentance. I helped other people.

We started diving into the old testament and I realized that I had a lot of faulty ideas about Christianity and God.

Which really got me thinking about my life. I began to question every thing I knew and what I was doing. I became convicted of certain things in my life.

In the beginning everything I was learning matched up perfectly with my 12 step program. Then slowly, it began to become evident that they were very different. For instance, step two of the 12 steps, was

Came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to santiy

Which for me, was no big deal. I already believed in Jesus. I had no issue there, but what about the ones that didn’t?

Looking back over my years as a 12 stepper, I have told many people, it doesn’t have to be my conception of God, but any conception. Your own conception. As long as it’s not something you can destroy you’re fine. The hope of course is that the more deeper they go in their relationship with their higher power that they’ll come to know and love Jesus, but that isn’t the case.

I was completely convicted. I was selling a story I didn’t believe in my own heart. I was telling people to believe or be willing to believe in any God they wanted and that was enough to get them to the next step. I had helped people build a foundation on a false God and that totally broke my heart. How could I be a believer and continue to do that and stay sober?

I knew that the number two things I had to do to stay sober and connected to God was being willing and honest. I wrestled with that forsometime. I loved the 12 steps. My identity was wrapped up so much in being a recovered alcoholic. In fact, my first blog post was mainly about being recovered alcoholic.

I spoke about my fears with my pastor, my husband, my friends, and my sponsor. Basically, from the 12 step side they told me I was looking at it wrong. That step two is to get them to the door and through it and that the rest was up to God. Which, is what many of my Christian 12 steppers told me and what gave them peace about the whole thing. They all have wrestled with it as well.

My pastor on the other hand, asked me if I believe that Jesus has the power to heal and transform lives. I said yes. He asked me, if I had been born again? I said yes. He said you aren’t a recovered addict. You are born again and risen from the dead from coming to believe in Jesus Christ. He said that God doesn’t see me as an addict. He said the God sees me clean and pure because of Jesus.

This rocked me to my core. I thought at first. No, he just doesn’t get it. I knew in order to stay sober I must live in the 12 steps. Without them, I will fail. I shared my fear. He gave a sermon a few weeks later that was the answer to my questions.

The bible tells me how to live righteously. The bible has the steps of becoming sanctified. The bible calls us we who were once dead in our sins, once having been born again Saints. We are called God’s holy people.

But how?

How am I holy?

I am holy by living righteously, Jesus makes me holy, by his sacrifice which enables me to live righteously. The only way to the Father is through him. Apart, from Jesus I can do nothing.

How do I live righteously?

I said it earlier.

Inside of every believer is two parts. Our flesh and our soul. Our flesh is our, guaranteed since Adam and Eve, sinful nature. The other is our soul. The part that God created. The spirit that lives inside of us is God. Our soul and our flesh are constantly at war. The helper, the spirit, given to us by Jesus is what leads us and helps us overcome our flesh. The only way we can overcome our own sin, is by knowing and loving Jesus. We actually don’t have the power over our own sin, the spirit is what helps us conquer our sin. The only true way to do that is by living out the word and having faith in Jesus. Living righteously. Which is a daily thing. Daily prayer and meditation. Daily repentance. Daily doing good and feeding your soul with the word of God.

The books of Romas makes this very clear. How had I missed it for so long?

The Word makes it very clear on how to life in the freedom of Jesus and live a righteous life.

The thing is, you have to read the Word. You have to want to be connected to God. You have to love him and want to know him. You have to obey his command. Obeying the word is more important to God than anything else!

So this was the beginning of my journey into true freedom. I came to the sad and heartbreaking realization that as a believer I couldn’t promote a program that promoted a false or unknown God. As a Christian, I could only point to Jesus. This was radical thinking and I knew it. I knew I would be met with dismay from my fellow 12steppers.

The bible is radical and so I don’t apologize for being radical. The bible is very clear. The only way to the Father is through Jesus.

When talking to my fellow 12 steppers, some tried to reason with me. The point of AA they said, was that it is all inclusive and that people of all race and all religion can partake and find freedom. That’s great, but the bible makes it very clear that the only way to true freedom and eternal life is not all inclusive in the way AA is. While, yes, Jesus is for everyone, may they find him now, but the path to the Father, is only one way and that is through Jesus.

And as the bible says,

After parting from AA I was so in fear of what my daily life would like and I honestly felt as if my identity had been stripped from me. I felt alone and terrified of a relapse. During my time in AA I thought I had found my purpose in helping other addicts to freedom. I was heartbroken at thought of losing that purpose.

Then one evening I shared my fears with myhusband, he said this is great news! I was bewildered by his response. He explained, that my identity was based in a man-made program and now I could finally find and rest in the identity given to me by God.

Not long after, one Sunday morning during worship God spoke so clearly to me. He said, you are mine. You are my daughter. A daughter of my Kingdom. Your purpose is me and to help other lost sheep to my Kingdom.

It totally wrecked me. I realized after all this time, that Jesus totally had the power to heal and transform my life. I was just going about the wrong way. I thought being a Christian meant that I went to church, read my bible, and tried not sin and tried to lead a good life, but it is so much more than that!

I am so thankful for AA, because it showed me the foundational tools on how to live a spiritual and righteous life. I would never have know that, otherwise.

The church should have been my answer to my addiction and brokenness to begin with. The church as a whole has become a lukewarm movement of saying how to live, but not actually living the Word out. The message of freedom and grace has been spun so positively and watered down that, man had to create a program to help broken people find healing. The crazy thing is, AA had the rightanswer. GOD. They just left out the most important part, Jesus. All of the 12 step work is taken straight from the bible, but unfortunately, the only way to an Eternal life and real spiritual birth is through Christ dying for us. Jesus says, apart from me you can do nothing.

Now, I know this message will offend so many people, and I apologize for that, but not for my God. My hope is that many will come to realize that true freedom can be found in the pages of the bible, and that the Christian walk is more than bible studies, church buildings, fellowship, and trying not to sin. My prayer for every man and woman is that they find the love of Christ and walk the narrow path.

If you have any questions please email me at: recoveredmotherandjesuslover@gmail.com