The Cure To An Identity Crisis

Without the love of Christ, devotion, and most importantly obedience and knowledge of his word I was in an impossible situation that had no happy ending. In order to receive the full healing in the deepest parts of my soul I would need to bring every aspect of my life into the submission and will of God. What I so desperately needed along with every other hurting person was a spiritual overhauling that included casting off and turning away from my flesh and putting on my new identity that absolutely had to be rooted in the Christ. From that foundation miraculous healing could absolutely occur, along with a daily dependence upon my Creator, walking out my salvation, I could be made new.
Without any of the knowledge and soul reformation I now have today, I became dependent on the things of this world to fill the void that could only ever be filled with Christ. Without a firm identity in the one who made me I was a child lost in a losing battle I didn’t have a chance at winning. I was immersed in Spiritual warfare I was sorely surely underprepared to fight. So I used the only tools I knew how to cope with.
I chose these weapons because of the culture I grew up in. It was totally normal thing to drink heavily and do drugs recreationally. It was completely normal to lash out and hurt people. I believed upon watching those around me that it was expected to use people to make myself feel better and only care about myself.
This was the kind of environment I grew up watching and learning. Children see everything. They learn how to live and cope by the example set by their parents and community. That’s why it is of upmost importance to set your house in order and bring it under the will of God before bringing any child into your home. Children grow up and they become responsible for themselves. My parents are not responsible for the sins I’ve committed as an adult. I do not blame them for my mistakes and my pain. I know now they didn’t know what they didn’t know. My dad died in chains to his addiction and without the full understanding and revelation of the love of God in his life. He believed in God, but he never walked out the salvation of his soul. I pray that he received it before he met the one who created him. He died a very hurting and broken man and I know he wanted better for me. I can happily say that his prayer has absolutely been answered, because of the work my parents tried to begin in themselves through their love and examples I was pushed into the arms of Christ and He has broken the cycle the enemy tried to trap me in.
I grew up in a very chaotic environment. My childhood at times seemed like one big party. It was totally normal to drink and party every time family came around. It was normal to soothe momentary issues with drugs and alcohol. This was my understanding from watching the adults in my life. Family time and visits with extended family members and friends were low-key drinking events that usually got crazy late into the night. As a teenager most of my extended family and my sisters gave me alcohol to drink. It was all very normal to me as a kid. I really didn’t see any issue with it. Mainly, because I didn’t know any better and neither did anyone else.

As a child and a preteen I was neglected emotionally. Nobody poured into me and if someone did they were as broken as I was. I wasn’t fed or decipled well. My mom wasn’t around and my dad distanced himself from me emotionally. I had no boundaries of any sort. My mom tried to late to put her foot down and parent me. I was about 13 when she really started to realize how damaged I was. She was terrified of me turning out like her and my dad. She constantly told me that I had to beat the cycle of addiction.

She was out of state most of my preteen and early teenage years. My stepfather had no clue how to manage three teenage girls. We ran wild. My mom could only set so many rules over the phone. There was no one to control me. Most of my acting out was a cry for attention and help. She didn’t respond till I was 15. When she did, her answer was to leave my stepfather and move me out of state and tear me away from every comfort I had ever known. She still did not know how to mother me. She met my emotional trauma with anger. She refused to have compassion and mercy for me because she had finally gotten her act together so in her mind my behavior was all my doing and I needed to get over it and move on like she had.
I now understand my mother only knew how to use the tools she had been taught to use. That her solutions to life had been passed down to her from her broken support system. Most of her actions were rooted in fear and she absolutely did the best she could and she is not to blame for my actions. We are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies. We live in a fallen world where the prince of lies reigns in the hearts of men who don’t know who they belong to.
After moving to Texas I met a guy. He paid attention to me and I ate it up, because at this point I felt like I had no value. I wasn’t worthy of attention and love, because my own parents had rejected and neglected me. I treated those internal wounds with boys, cutting, drinking and drugs. Growing up in the environment I did, it was all I knew how to do. I hadn’t ever been shown any different. At 16 my dad died. I broke completely. Out of both my parents his love was the only thing I was certain of. My mom was incapable of nurturing me in that time period of my life. I know now, it wasn’t because she didn’t want to, but she didn’t know how. Nobody had loved her well. She didn’t have Jesus, what could she have provided for that broken and angry teenage girl? She responded with anger and fear. Three months after his death she essentially told me to get my crap together and get over it. Again, she was terrified of me turning into her. My aunt died and then my grandfather and then my best friend. I had no one. My sister cut me out, because she had her own hurdles to deal with. I was bleeding out and my soul was desperate and aching. I used anything I could to soothe my pain.
My mom put me in treatment for the first time at 17. I found a place I finally felt like I belonged. People accepted me. I finally had a place to lay my heart. People built me up. I had a family and community. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without AA. For once in my life I belonged somewhere. I had no identity. I was a troubled young girl without the love of Christ. AA gave me an identity and it became my life. AA became my religion and gave me purpose. I was no longer the broken and abandoned child I once was. I was a recovering addict with a powerful story that I could use to help people. Without AA I felt like I had nothing. AA led me to God. I believed it was built upon spiritual principles. It echoed the bible in so many ways. Yet, after three years of sobriety I relapsed. The problem was while AA is a spiritual program it isn’t biblical. It is not Christ based and it couldn’t give me the healing and freedom I truly needed. What I needed was Jesus and to be firmly planted in the word and learn my identity through Him. I spent years treating the symptoms, not the actual root problem which was I was a human being in desperate need of a relationship with Christ. I tried everything to fill the void that could only ever be filled with my creator. For me, AA is apart of that list. I had a huge problem with using the things of this word to label me and give me value. I had to have a God and it could have been anybody. Drugs, alcohol, sponsors, men, etc. I was searching for an identity. Whatever seems better in the moment worked for me.
The problem with a man made program for me was that I needed to be planted in something irrefutable and undeniable. My identity absolutely had to be grounded in Christ. The world labeled me a broken person and it started with my environment. Satan has used countless lies to keep me in chains.

I am unloved.
I am not worthy.
I am a mistake.
I am nothing.
I can do nothing.
No one cares about me.
My friends don’t really care about me.
I am ugly.
I am crazy.
I need a man to feel beautiful.
I can’t be alone.
If I am alone then I will always be alone.
I will turn out just like my parents.
I am a whore.
I am a horrible mother.
I am a bad wife.
I am a bad friend.
I am an addict.
I am an alcoholic.
I am unfixable.
There is no cure.
I am a new creation in all things, but that.
Jesus has the ability to make me new and heal me completely but not that part of me.

I spent the most formidable and impressionable time of my life being raised by people who didn’t know the love of God. I am so thankful for the path I walked, because the lie the enemy has used for so long to keep me in chains and to harm me God turned and used it for good. The enemy pushed me right into the arms of my Creator.

I put on the cloak of an unhealable alcoholic, because I didn’t know any better or any different. I didn’t understand the true meaning of what being made new really was.

As a Christian I am a new creation. I have been given the Holy Spirit. JESUS DIED SO THAT I COULD LIVE. Jesus freed me from slavery and the ways of this fallen world. I am not an alcoholic. I am not an addict. I am Kaleigh Posey and I am a child of God. The only person that has the ability to put chains around my wrist is myself when I fail to do the good I know to do. Not alcoholism. Not addiction. I have been freed. God has been showing me this all along. I am the one that keeps putting myself in chains. He gives me a revelation of His freedom and I turn away from it, because I still truly had not accepted the truth and the power of just how BIG of God He is. My father the one who created the heavens and the earth, the one who created me if he doesn’t have the ability to heal and cure someone like me, then I am limiting Him and putting him in a box.

I was taught that as an addict I have a spiritual malady that can only be cured with a spiritual solution and I am sick in the mind as well as the body. The mind can be fixed, but as soon as I take the first drink or the first drug there is no return. I am off to the races and my mind will be broken again and the only answer to that is working the 12 steps. Does that sound like being made new?
Does that sound like the miraculous healing of Christ?

God gave me a revelation about 9 months ago that AA wasn’t the Spiritual program I thought it was. It had led me to put my faith in a man made thing. I stood for something that told people they could believe in any God to find freedom and that was enough to make a beginning.

That is not the truth. The only beginning is through Jesus. The only path to true freedom is through a relationship with Christ. There is no backdoor to God. The road is narrow and the only way to the Father is through the Son. Upon that foundation is where one can begin to build a sturdy house. About 4 months ago, God gave me a revelation that I wasn’t a recovered alcoholic or an addict. I was a daughter of His Kingdom. I rejected it. I didn’t truly believe that God was big enough to heal me. I was terrified of taking my relationship with God deeper because that meant that I would no longer have control over my life. My flesh wanted the throne of my heart. The enemy attacked me and I failed to do the good I knew to do. I spiraled. I put the enemy’s chains back on my wrist and I relapsed within a week of that revelation. I had just gotten a year sober. Within a few days I realized the stupidity of my mistake and I immediately recoiled from it. I was ashamed and was afraid to be honest about my failure. I thought I could resume life as normal. I immediately began trying to go deeper with God and I would reach out to connect and he was speaking to me every where, but there was no depth. I had built a prison around my soul because I failed to bring my mistake into the light. I was lying to my husband. About a month afterwards I sat outside and I confessed to him. He was amazed. This was the first time I came out on my own. He didn’t find out, I had quit within three days and told him on my own, and not because my life had become so miserable I couldn’t bare it, but because I wanted to go deeper with the Spirit, but I couldn’t because I was lying to my husband. My heart, marriage, and home was not in shalom. Not in order. Once I got honest with my husband I was immediately relieved and everything went back to the way it was.
That was my first inkling that something was different.

I told my husband and I told my pastors. I told my sisters.
Months ago God gave me a purpose and a vision. I started this blog. God gave me a voice and talent for writing. He wanted me to use it for glory.

I was afraid to be honest on this platform and with my community. I thought if I told everyone about my relapse that they would doubt the power of God. How completely self-centered. Another lie the enemy used to keep me in chains. I half way brought everything into the light, but really failed to voice what God was truly doing in my life, which is the whole reason I had began this journey to begin with.

A few months later I relapsed again. On the fourth of July.
The night before I was sitting outside again with my husband and we had just received a revelation of how the enemy uses lies and labels to keep us in chains. The very next day I woke in a very dark and angry place made a decision to relapse.

Later that night I was horrified. I immediately turned away from it and planned to get honest about it as soon I could work it out in my own mind.

God had other plans. I would have immediately trapped myself off from the Spirit again due to shame and fear. I woke up the next day a bit disturbed, but ultimately at peace.

My husband and I had plans to watch Stanger things, but the Spirit laid something heavy on his heart he couldn’t shake. That heaviness was me and he just didn’t know it, but after some prayer he questioned me. He thought he was going insane, but couldn’t deny the Spirit telling him that I was not being honest about something.

I was terrified, but I thought about the time I spent wallowing in fear and shame back in April and I told him the truth.

The truth was I had relapsed and the crazy thing was I didn’t feel the burning urge to go out and do it again. I reflected back to all the times I had been in that very position of painful honesty and I couldn’t think of a time accept back in April when I wasn’t crawling out of my skin to go get drunk or high. I was at peace. I could not shake the absolute presence of the Holy Spirit in my heart.

Then the most wonderful feeling of absolute freedom floated through my whole being and I finally saw the big picture that God had been painting all along that I had been failing to see. I was and am free.

I don’t want to go out and get a drink. I don’t want to solve my issues with substances. I want to go deeper and deeper with my Creator. I want to be a wife and a mother and I want to use my voice, my story, and my mistakes to show the Glory and wonderful mercy of God in my life. I want to shine a light on every dark corner of my being and I don’t want a single thing in my heart that doesn’t line up with the will of God.

I am FREE. There is absolutely nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ.

Again, what the enemy used to harm me, God used for my good.

I am not a victim.
I am not an addict.
I am a daughter of the King
And his name is Yahweh.

I am not addicted to anything. I am not an addict. That is an absolute lie used by the enemy to keep me in chains and label which I thought I had found my freedom and my community. I am Kaleigh a wife, a mother, a daughter, sister, friend, but more than anything else I am a daughter of God and this is what true freedom in Christ can mean. It means finding your identity rooted in the one who made you. You are His just as I am. Don’t limit his ability and his power in your life. God gave us the Spirit, which gives us the Spirit of self-control and the power over sin in our lives, but only if we are truly and intently living a righteous life for him will that true freedom be found. If you haven’t been given that revelation and your identity isn’t rooted in Christ then your easy pray for the enemy and of course you will use things outside of yourself to fill you up and give you purpose. Doesn’t really matter what lie or label the enemy is using:
Anger
Porn
Drugs
Sex
Alcohol
Greed
Power

There’s many in this world that we live in. Sometimes people have many different struggles all at once, but I’m here to tell you that living a life fully for Jesus can give you power over them and it is a daily thing and it doesn’t happen over night. I’ve been on a long journey of God ripping open my layers of protection and revealing my flesh and weaknesses.
But for the first time in my entire life, I am absolutely certain of one thing that I never thought was possible that God absolutely has the ability heal our souls, but we’ve got to want it because of our love for him and not anything else.
God heals from the inside out and when he breaks chains they are broken for good.

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