I know you’re feeling overwhelmed and tired. I know that you feel anxious and over worked. I know you feel totally alone.
I know you love your children, you love your partner. I know that you wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I also know that on a particular rough day when the kids aren’t listening, especially if their teenagers or toddlers, when it’s little mess after little mess, and when you’ve been on the phone five times with the same company because of human error you feel like you might explode. I know when the dishes keep piling up, when the bills keep coming and no one understands how you feel, I know that you feel like you might break. Maybe it’s anger or that heavy, suffocating coat of depression. Maybe you dread waking up. Maybe, finally it’s that last little thing that could go wrong and it has, you just lose it.
This morning you found poop crusted into the carpet and you just kept swimming, but then your toddler destroys something insignificant and rage bubbles up inside of you. Your yelling and then after you calm down you hate yourself. Mom guilt strikes hard.
You start to wonder crazy things. Like, is this normal? Have I finally lost it? Am I going to scar my kid for life? Your thoughts are racing and you want to tell someone, reach out for help, but you can’t. You are so shocked at your own behavior, how can you explain this to someone else and they think it’s normal or not want to question your judgment as a mother?
I even know your darkest thoughts that you swear you’ll never tell anyone. I know the feelings that rise up inside of you that you shove back down. Your toddler or child is fighting against you at every turn. The baby won’t stop crying. You haven’t had a good night’s rest in ages. You stay up late devouring all the alone time you can and dread going to bed, knowing you have to do it all over again the next day.
Finally, your trying to get your toddler to take a nap and they won’t. They’re screaming at you. For a wild moment you want shove them down back into their bed and scream till your hoarse.
Instead you tell them firmly again, No, it is nap time. You hover outside their room and wonder am I losing it? Is this normal for me to feel such anger towards my child?
Can I be honest with you?
It is. It’s completely normal to blow your top at something stupid. It’s completely normal to overreact and lash out at your child with WORDS. Does it make it right? No. Does it make you a bad person? Also, No. It makes you normal. Every mother loses it sometimes. If she says she never does, she’s lying.
They’re books and studies on this very subject. There are memes poking fun on the hardship of moms and they are hilarious. There are forums with mom’s questioning their sanity looking for relatebale experiences. These resources are so numerous that it’s obvious that you are not alone.
I know this, because I do it, I’m doing it. Today my daughter got a hold of something of value to me and broke it, and honestly it wasn’t that big of a deal, but something inside of me snapped. Rage bubbled up inside of me and I’m yelling at my two year old, why, why would you do this? I’m so angry that in my anger I don’t see her face crumble with fear. Later, in the night my face crumbles as I realize all she wanted was to touch the pretty flower.
Moments like this, I wish never happened. When it’s done and over I feel helpless and disgusted with myself that I lost it on a toddler that really is just acting her age. I am wrecked with guilt so profound that I worry that I’m going to harm her if I don’t control myself. That I’m going to damage her in some way.
The crazy thing is I thought I was totally alone in my feelings. I thought that I was the worst mother in the world.
Until, I talked with some women I knew were good mothers. They all had moments like mine. They’ve questioned their abilities as a mother. They’ve felt the same heaviness of total defeat as a mother. They’ve lost it and thought dark and terrible things. They’ve felt totally alone.
I was so surprised, I really thought it was just me. I really thought that I was crazy and that I needed to go get evaluated. Then, I was pissed that this information wasn’t more readily available. Why was no one saying that yes, I totally sucked at the mom thing today. Yes, for a crazy moment I totally fantasized, shoving my beautiful and happy little 2 year old’s face into the carpet as she screamed and kicked me because I wouldn’t let her jump off the coffee table onto her sisters head. Yes, I snap and I yell. Yes, there are days that I fantasize about running away. Yes, sometimes being a mom is not fun and it actually is quite painful. Being a mom is the most selfless job on the planet. It is the hardest experience I’ve ever endured. I feel like a failure 94% of the time and then my kid kisses her sister on the cheek and gives her a cheerio, and I melt.
Then, I had a thought. What if the greatest trick of the Enemy is making us feel totally alone and that we can’t tell anyone any of these things, because they will think we are insane.
You know, the Enemy likes to make us feel like we have no one and nothing. That we won’t ever get better and that we are terrible parents, and yes because I’ve lost it on my kids that they’re going to grow up and become junkies. The Enemy is good at robbing your peace and making you paranoid. The Enemy is a master manipulator and wants to divide your home and ruin your relationship with each other and make you feel so far removed from God that you feel like nothing will ever get better. The Enemy is the creator of Mom Guilt. The more you play into his hands, the worse you are going to feel.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. Postpartum depression is a thing and I am totally for individuals to seek mental health professionals if advised, but how will you know if you are totally losing or if your just dealing with normal occurrences if you don’t reach out and talk to someone else?
If you feel like I wrote above all of the time and there is no sunlight, I would strongly encourage you to seek professional help, but can I tell you that every once a while dealing with these types of feelings is completely normal. Is it completely healthy? No, but no person that walks the planet is emotionally well all of the time. We all have seasons of stress and hardships.
The thing I’m learning that in these seasons of difficulty the best way to combat the enemy is by armouring yourself in the word. Praying to God and blasting worship music. Tell yourself, that you need a minute. Walk away and sink to your knees and pray for strength. Forget the dishes, put down the phone and spend time with your little ones. Take a bath, take a nap. Go easy on your kids, go easy on yourself. Show mercy and grace.
Most of all, read the word, talk to God, talk to your family, talk to your mom friends. Don’t isolate yourself from the spirit and other people. That’s what the enemy wants.
I want you to know that you are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not a terrible mother. This mom thing is tough and sometimes grueling, but tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. When you trust God and stay in the word, breakthrough and revelation comes. You live out your life righteously and the light comes. I promise you that.
From another mom who thinks she was crazy.
P.S. I strongly recommend if your a mom and you struggle with any of this, to begin the Overwhelmed By My blessings series by Robin Meadows. It truly changed my life. You can find it here.
Also, if you are truly questioning yourself your ability to get through the day, please reach out and get help. Don’t be afraid. That is what the enemy wants.