To The Mom Who Think She’s Crazy

I know you’re feeling overwhelmed and tired. I know that you feel anxious and over worked. I know you feel totally alone.

I know you love your children, you love your partner. I know that you wouldn’t trade them for the world.

I also know that on a particular rough day when the kids aren’t listening, especially if their teenagers or toddlers, when it’s little mess after little mess, and when you’ve been on the phone five times with the same company because of human error you feel like you might explode. I know when the dishes keep piling up, when the bills keep coming and no one understands how you feel, I know that you feel like you might break. Maybe it’s anger or that heavy, suffocating coat of depression. Maybe you dread waking up. Maybe, finally it’s that last little thing that could go wrong and it has, you just lose it.

This morning you found poop crusted into the carpet and you just kept swimming, but then your toddler destroys something insignificant and rage bubbles up inside of you. Your yelling and then after you calm down you hate yourself. Mom guilt strikes hard.

You start to wonder crazy things. Like, is this normal? Have I finally lost it? Am I going to scar my kid for life? Your thoughts are racing and you want to tell someone, reach out for help, but you can’t. You are so shocked at your own behavior, how can you explain this to someone else and they think it’s normal or not want to question your judgment as a mother?

I even know your darkest thoughts that you swear you’ll never tell anyone. I know the feelings that rise up inside of you that you shove back down. Your toddler or child is fighting against you at every turn. The baby won’t stop crying. You haven’t had a good night’s rest in ages. You stay up late devouring all the alone time you can and dread going to bed, knowing you have to do it all over again the next day.

Finally, your trying to get your toddler to take a nap and they won’t. They’re screaming at you. For a wild moment you want shove them down back into their bed and scream till your hoarse.

Instead you tell them firmly again, No, it is nap time. You hover outside their room and wonder am I losing it? Is this normal for me to feel such anger towards my child?

Can I be honest with you?

It is. It’s completely normal to blow your top at something stupid. It’s completely normal to overreact and lash out at your child with WORDS. Does it make it right? No. Does it make you a bad person? Also, No. It makes you normal. Every mother loses it sometimes. If she says she never does, she’s lying.

They’re books and studies on this very subject. There are memes poking fun on the hardship of moms and they are hilarious. There are forums with mom’s questioning their sanity looking for relatebale experiences. These resources are so numerous that it’s obvious that you are not alone.

I know this, because I do it, I’m doing it. Today my daughter got a hold of something of value to me and broke it, and honestly it wasn’t that big of a deal, but something inside of me snapped. Rage bubbled up inside of me and I’m yelling at my two year old, why, why would you do this? I’m so angry that in my anger I don’t see her face crumble with fear. Later, in the night my face crumbles as I realize all she wanted was to touch the pretty flower.

Moments like this, I wish never happened. When it’s done and over I feel helpless and disgusted with myself that I lost it on a toddler that really is just acting her age. I am wrecked with guilt so profound that I worry that I’m going to harm her if I don’t control myself. That I’m going to damage her in some way.

The crazy thing is I thought I was totally alone in my feelings. I thought that I was the worst mother in the world.

Until, I talked with some women I knew were good mothers. They all had moments like mine. They’ve questioned their abilities as a mother. They’ve felt the same heaviness of total defeat as a mother. They’ve lost it and thought dark and terrible things. They’ve felt totally alone.

I was so surprised, I really thought it was just me. I really thought that I was crazy and that I needed to go get evaluated. Then, I was pissed that this information wasn’t more readily available. Why was no one saying that yes, I totally sucked at the mom thing today. Yes, for a crazy moment I totally fantasized, shoving my beautiful and happy little 2 year old’s face into the carpet as she screamed and kicked me because I wouldn’t let her jump off the coffee table onto her sisters head. Yes, I snap and I yell. Yes, there are days that I fantasize about running away. Yes, sometimes being a mom is not fun and it actually is quite painful. Being a mom is the most selfless job on the planet. It is the hardest experience I’ve ever endured. I feel like a failure 94% of the time and then my kid kisses her sister on the cheek and gives her a cheerio, and I melt.

Then, I had a thought. What if the greatest trick of the Enemy is making us feel totally alone and that we can’t tell anyone any of these things, because they will think we are insane.

You know, the Enemy likes to make us feel like we have no one and nothing. That we won’t ever get better and that we are terrible parents, and yes because I’ve lost it on my kids that they’re going to grow up and become junkies. The Enemy is good at robbing your peace and making you paranoid. The Enemy is a master manipulator and wants to divide your home and ruin your relationship with each other and make you feel so far removed from God that you feel like nothing will ever get better. The Enemy is the creator of Mom Guilt. The more you play into his hands, the worse you are going to feel.

You are not alone. You are not crazy. Postpartum depression is a thing and I am totally for individuals to seek mental health professionals if advised, but how will you know if you are totally losing or if your just dealing with normal occurrences if you don’t reach out and talk to someone else?

If you feel like I wrote above all of the time and there is no sunlight, I would strongly encourage you to seek professional help, but can I tell you that every once a while dealing with these types of feelings is completely normal. Is it completely healthy? No, but no person that walks the planet is emotionally well all of the time. We all have seasons of stress and hardships.

The thing I’m learning that in these seasons of difficulty the best way to combat the enemy is by armouring yourself in the word. Praying to God and blasting worship music. Tell yourself, that you need a minute. Walk away and sink to your knees and pray for strength. Forget the dishes, put down the phone and spend time with your little ones. Take a bath, take a nap. Go easy on your kids, go easy on yourself. Show mercy and grace.

Most of all, read the word, talk to God, talk to your family, talk to your mom friends. Don’t isolate yourself from the spirit and other people. That’s what the enemy wants.

I want you to know that you are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not a terrible mother. This mom thing is tough and sometimes grueling, but tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning. When you trust God and stay in the word, breakthrough and revelation comes. You live out your life righteously and the light comes. I promise you that.

From another mom who thinks she was crazy.

P.S. I strongly recommend if your a mom and you struggle with any of this, to begin the Overwhelmed By My blessings series by Robin Meadows. It truly changed my life. You can find it here.

Also, if you are truly questioning yourself your ability to get through the day, please reach out and get help. Don’t be afraid. That is what the enemy wants.

Do You Move When God Calls You?

I’m posting a link to a video about a beautiful moment that transpired between two strangers, all because one obeyed God’s calling, and the other dropped all pretenses and was honest with someone she didn’t know. Please watch it before reading, otherwise this blog won’t make any sense. You can watch it here!

This beautiful child of God, Amanda Riggan, encountered the Holy Spirit during her work day. Amanda works for FedEx. She was driving along her route when she came to a womans house. As she stopped to drop her packages off the woman was already outside checking her mail. Amanda helped the woman carry her packages to her door. She asked the woman how her holiday was. The woman had tears in her eyes and said, her holiday was not good, because her husband is dying and has cancer.

We’ve all been there, maybe not in the exact situation, but we’ve all been on the receiving end of a conversation where you were being polite to a stranger, just making small talk, and then someone tells you something personal that is upsetting. Like a family member dying, or terrible news they received about someone they love, maybe loss of a job, divorce, or maybe they’re just having a crappy day. Our first instinct is usually to recoil. I know mine is! I always think woah. You’re sharing too much! I don’t know you, I mean that sucks, but it’s just awkward for someone to tell you something so personal when you don’t know them from Adam. I’m also gonna be brutally honest here and say I don’t really care. I’ve got my own life and my own problems. If I don’t know you I don’t want to know anything about you. I don’t want to have small talk in the cereal aisle with you.

That is also wrong. It shows how incredibly selfish and uncompassionate I can be. How we can all be. How can we expect God to use us if we are not allowing room for him to move through us?

I know we are raised in a society that says it’s bad manners to overshare with a stranger. Don’t get me wrong, depending on the situation it absolutely can be weird to overshare with the checkout lady at Walmart. We are also raised in a society that tells us it’s weak to be vulnerable. The message to everyone is, I’m good. My day is good. Everything is fine. My life is great. It was okay. I’m okay.

Think about the last time someone, an acquaintance, or a stranger asked you how your day was and in truth your day was terrible, what did you say?

Now think bout the last time you asked someone how they’re day was, a stranger or an acquaintance, did you even stop to listen to their reply?

When a complete stranger shares something tragic with you, it’s really not about you. It’s about them. They’re in so much pain, that sometimes boundaries cease to exist. They just want to be heard. They’re so tired of all the lies and fake smiles and empty gestures of fake politeness that they’re just honest about what’s happening in their lives.

That’s an invitation to shine the light of Jesus in someone’s life. Amanda did just that. She felt God tugging at her, beckoning her back to that broken woman and something beautiful that got to give Glory to God happened. Amanda moved when God asked her too.

I’m not saying everytime time someone over shares to stop and be there for them, but I am saying give room for God to move in your life so you can hear when he asks you to move! We are called to be the salt and light of the earth!

If we are so busy going about our daily lives that we don’t have time to slow down for the Holy Spirit, then what’s the point of pursuing a relationship with God? You’re not really pursuing Jesus, your pursuing your own plan. You are your God.

We pray and ask God to use us. God tries to use us all the time. We are just usually to preoccupied with our lives we don’t hear the spirit moving us. God speaks to us in a still small voice. His commands and guidance are simple. We overcomplicate it.

So the next time you’re going about your day and you feel that tugging at your heart stop and listen. Allow God to move in your life and he’ll help you move mountains not only in your own life, but in someone else’s.

That woman Amanda prayed with broke down in tears and hugged her hard. She needed that. She needed a friend. She needed God to move in her life and God used a complete stranger to do it. He sent that woman a complete stranger to let her know he was there. He brought her comfort through someone she least expected.

A beautiful moment like that was able to happen, because Amanda was willing to stop and obey God’s calling. Not only did it effect that woman’s day, it brought profound joy to Amanda.

Slow down and let God in. It’s that simple.

When There’s No reason For Grieving

A few days ago I was driving in my car listening to a secular song called lifeline by We Three. I’ll post the lyrics for you.

The opening verse is what really caught my attention. I know we’ve all been there. There are days where we just feel empty. Stuck. Alone. Sad. Depressed. I’ve had many days like that. I’ve had seasons like that. Where I just felt like I was grieving, but I hadn’t actually lost anyone or anything.

The Holy Spirit put this on my heart and I really wanted to share it. Sometimes, probably most times, when we feel like we are grieving and we just don’t know why. The reason why we are sad is because we are missing the presence of God in our lives.

When I’m not disciplined and I’ve really wandered far from His presence I feel worn out and just freaking miserable. That’s my soul missing the connection with my father.

When I was younger and didn’t have a relationship with God I was diagnosed with several different emotional disorders at 12! 12 years old and in middle school I was labeled emotionally unwell. I was put on mood stabilizers. As a teenager, I became addicted to substances and men. Anything that made me feel alive, because I was dead inside. When I got sober and started to have a relationship with Jesus and then baptized in the Holy Spirit I got angry when I realized all those years I had spent thinking something was wrong with me and trying to find healing in the world when the answer was in a book right in front of my face! I was missing God and I just didn’t know it! My soul was crying out for Him, wanting to worship anything, because we are all made to worship something. We are created that way for a reason. The hope is that we will come to know and love our creator, but when we don’t connect the two, when we worship things in this world we are always going to be left feeling more empty than when we started. It happens to me still to this day. When I go to Netflix or my phone for refreshment I end up more tired than when I started it. The only thing that will ever fill me up, that will ever be enough is Jesus! He is the only one who can make me feel whole. No person, no label, no friend, significant other, no child, parent, family member, job, money- None can bring me peace and quench the thirst of my soul or yours. Only Jesus.

So next time you feel sad for no particular reason, ask yourself when was the last time you connected, I mean really connected with Jesus.

And if you have a friend who doesn’t know Jesus and has issues like the one I described above tell them about Him. I wish someone someone would have told me then what I know now.